Urban myths

Blue seventy two

Blue seventy two

Well-Known Member
Heard an old one at the weekend that I first heard 25 years ago, They always start the same " one of the lads in work's mate/cousin/ relative.....anyway I digress so here's the gist - guy in the pub with his mate and a randomer comes in asking if anybody wants to buy a quality carpet " aff the back of a lorry" and it just so happens that one of the guys was indeed looking to buy a carpet, so the randomer says he has a roll of quality carpet ( a grands worth ) in his van but he has to get shot of it quickly so he'll sell it for a ton and invited the guy to come out to the van to see the goods.
The guy goes out sees the roll and it is indeed plush , royal blue , thick pile and a total bargain, so he goes to the bank lifts the money and the randomer even delivers it to the guys house and then off he goes.
Later the next day the guy clears his room to lay his luxurious expensive new thick shagpile carpet and starts to roll it out, his delight at his new carpet doesn't last long when he discovers upon rolling it out that right in the middle is a giant Royal bank of Scotland emblem!
As I said probably never happened but a good pub story , everybody has heard similar tales so let's hear the best ones.
 
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Heard this ones loads

Guy in work/mate/friend of friend having a tug while wearing headphones and watching porn on laptop

After he's finished he looks at the bedside table only to find that his mum has come into his room with a sandwich and cup of tea and left it for him

Utter bullshit
 
The David Beckham / wedding double booking Cameron house story. Beckham paying for the whole wedding including honeymoon and flights for New Zealand family! Utter pish.
i heard it then later on the wife's came home and her workmate had told here the same story. Wife was gutted when I told her it was a load of baws!
 
StephenHawkinsfitbawboots said:
Heard this ones loads

Guy in work/mate/friend of friend having a tug while wearing headphones and watching porn on laptop

After he's finished he looks at the bedside table only to find that his mum has come into his room with a sandwich and cup of tea and left it for him

Utter bullshit
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That's a true story mate and Hank was the man involved, honest
 
Wedding. Best Man is wearing a Kilt and nae Pants. Sits on the Brides knee for a picture. Stands up and there is a big Skid Mark down the Brides guid dress...

Some zoomer I worked with told me this.
 
Another I've heard over the years is the one about the group of lads hillwalking and as they are walking past a pylon on the hill one of the guys gets a stone in his shoe, so he leans against the pylon and starts to shake his foot to dislodge the stone, his mate sees him shaking holding on to the pylon and thinks his pal is being electrocuted so he smacks his pals arm with a shovel to break the contact from the pylon and breaks his mates arm!
Again utter bullshit but I laughed the first time I heard it.
 
If you painted a white stripe across your nose like adam ant, you got cancer. Heard Prince charming on the radio at work today and this popped into my head
 
The student at some random Uni who moves into digs and starts complaining of a sore arse. Goes to the Dr who asks him if he's having unprotected anal sex. His roommate has beenln raping him.

Used to hear it every September for a few years in the 90s
 
Woman in lift, some black guys come in and one of them says hit the floor so she hits the deck.

Low and behold, it's Will Smith
 
StephenHawkinsfitbawboots said:
Heard this ones loads

Guy in work/mate/friend of friend having a tug while wearing headphones and watching porn on laptop

After he's finished he looks at the bedside table only to find that his mum has come into his room with a sandwich and cup of tea and left it for him

Utter bullshit
Click to expand...
Exactly what I was going to post. Heard it from dozens of people
 
Xavi Hernandez said:
Wedding. Best Man is wearing a Kilt and nae Pants. Sits on the Brides knee for a picture. Stands up and there is a big Skid Mark down the Brides guid dress...

Some zoomer I worked with told me this.
Click to expand...
I want this one to be true.
 
dougsdir24 said:
The David Beckham / wedding double booking Cameron house story. Beckham paying for the whole wedding including honeymoon and flights for New Zealand family! Utter pish.
i heard it then later on the wife's came home and her workmate had told here the same story. Wife was gutted when I told her it was a load of baws!
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When I heard a version of this story the Beckhams were paying off folks mortgages left right and centre.
 
Random middle eastern men losing their wallets in Central Station and when it is returned they give the person a warning not to be in the station on a certain date.
 
The "cry w@nk". Has any bloke ever went through a break up that bad that they pop out a sly one over a picture of their ex whilst listening to Roxette?! :D
 
Xavi Hernandez said:
Wedding. Best Man is wearing a Kilt and nae Pants. Sits on the Brides knee for a picture. Stands up and there is a big Skid Mark down the Brides guid dress...

Some zoomer I worked with told me this.
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I've actually seen a photo of this incident, I think there was an ensuing rummy between the families and arrests were made. So I'm calling this one true.
 
ive heard this one a few times

A girl has just started having sex with her ex-partner again. After a few days she starts feeling itchy in her privates. Se goes to the doctor’s thinking she must of caught a sd off her ex. The doctor examines her and tells her he will have to phone the police. She is in shock and asks why. The doctor replies that she has maggots inside her vagina and the only way that can happen is if she or her partner is having sex with dead people too which she replies her ex works in the morgue.
 
Marc Almond/Rod Stewart/some other celebrity collapses on stage. He's rushed to hospital where they find the semen of 50 different men in his stomach.
 
there's that one about the guy who calls a call centre , and isnt happy with the girl he speaks to. The next day she receives some flowers from a random. When she's walking out the building this guy assaults her. He sent her the flowers so he could identify her for a bopping.

heard this a few times now, utter pish .
 
Couple go on holiday to Spain / Greece / Turkey wherever and midway through their holiday come back to find their room has been broken into.

Nothing serious has been stolen though - money, travellers cheques, passports, etc were all in the safe - so they simply carry on with the rest of their holiday and have a great time.

Then when they return to Blighty they get their holiday snaps developed and in amongst them are pictures of sultry looking locals in their hotel room, laughing and shoving the couples' toothbrushes up their arseholes!
 
The old Mr & Mrs game at the old couple's golden or silver wedding party, where the third question is "Where's the best place you've ever had sex?", he says "on honeymoon in Blackpool" and she says "up the bum".......There must've been 100,000 people at that party!
 
Guy in Rolls Royce Hillington (could be anywhere) walks past security with a wheelbarrow covered by a tarpaulin. This goes on for weeks until they get suspicious as to what's under the tarpaulin. Upon checking, there's nothing in there, so he is allowed to carry on unabated. Eventually it transpires that it's the wheelbarrows he's been nicking to sell on.

Falls apart on every level.
 
Blue seventy two said:
Another I've heard over the years is the one about the group of lads hillwalking and as they are walking past a pylon on the hill one of the guys gets a stone in his shoe, so he leans against the pylon and starts to shake his foot to dislodge the stone, his mate sees him shaking holding on to the pylon and thinks his pal is being electrocuted so he smacks his pals arm with a shovel to break the contact from the pylon and breaks his mates arm!
Again utter bullshit but I laughed the first time I heard it.
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This is very similar to an entry in the Darwin Awards. Electrical cables fall on car, guy getting shocked trying to escape, but gets killed by a head blow from friendly passers-by trying to swipe cables away with planks of wood.
Still dunno how true that makes it.....
 
Stag party and the stag was blindfolded and a tranny came in and gave him a BJ, he was allowed to feel the tits and sussies. As he finished his BJ the blindfold was ripped off and the stag did a runner in disgust and the wedding was cancelled.
 
Folks away on holiday

Young couple get frisky on parents couch

Bird wants it up the council gritter

Proceeds to shit herself, all over the couch.

Parents return home, boy blames family dug

Family dug destroyed by lethal gas
 
Bob Holness played saxophone on Baker Street. I've heard that a zillion times but it was made up by Stuart Maconie. Poor Raphael Ravenscroft must have hated that one.
 
Another one about the kid who gets a job in New York. It's his first time anywhere so he goes out to celebrate his first night in the Big Apple and meets this stunning woman.

One thing leads to another, they get drunk and go back to hers, do the business and he wakes up in the morning feeling life doesn't get much better than this.

The girl is nowhere to be seen though and then he discovers with mounting horror that neither are his clothes which contained his passport and wallet with hundreds of dollars in it.

So he's freaking out, wondering what the hell he's going to do, an 18 year old kid stranded without money, ID or even a stitch of clothing in New York City.

After a while shock and panic start to give way to anger and eventually, still naked, he's worked himself up into such a rage that he shits on the bed and starts to write WHORE on the wall with it . . . . just as the girl returns with his clothes freshly washed and ironed from the laundry room in the basement.
 
Guy on holiday with his mates in magaluf, out his face on night, he disappears from the group. Group suspect he's went back to hotel so party the night away. Next morning guy bursts into everyone's rooms saying he caught a leprechaun on his way back to the hotel and has been trying to get his pot of gold but with no avail. Mates are all puzzled so go to his room, they turn around to him and ask where is the "leprechaun". He opens the cupboard door.. turns out it's a ginger midget that was wearing a green top. Battered and bruised, tied up unconscious.
 
This one had me in stitches just thinking about the fireman's expression as he finds the guy all suited up :D

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast — some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
 
The one about Captain Pugwash characters all having names like Master Bates and Roger The Cabin Boy.

Simply not true but it's incredible how many people actually believe it.
 
Wedding ceremony and speeches are filmed. After the evening guests arrive the film is played on a big screen during which the bride's father is spotted in the background pickpocketing the groom's father's wallet just outside the church.
 
Hadrian's wall was built to keep the Scots out the biggest bag of poo ever 1. Scotland never existed then 2. there was no border then 3. it was built to stop the British tribes uniting to fight the Romans . the truth is the Strathclyde Britons were here before the separatists lol.
 
My mate was in Buchanan Galleries and this shifty Asian looking fellow sped past him and dropped his wallet, my mate spotted the misfortune and ran up to him and said, "excuse me, pal, but you've dropped this" and gives him back his wallet, the Asian guy say thanks and then warns him not to go to the Rangers game on Sunday, my mate asks "why?" and the guy says, "because the game's on Saturday".
 
One where a local female went for an Indian or Chinese meal, before a night out.
Suddenly takes ill, and has to be taken to hospital, and has her stomach pumped.
On examination of the contents, they found 5 different varieties of jiz inside her.
 
Mondraker said:
This one had me in stitches just thinking about the fireman's expression as he finds the guy all suited up :D

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast — some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
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Must be too early in the morning for me as it took me while to get this one!:D
 
One for fellow AC/DC fans.

There is a recording somewhere of Bonn Scott singing Back in Black. I have a mate who swore for years he had it in the house. Eventually challenged him to let me hear it. Oh I must have imagined it was the response.
 
Car breaks down near Carstairs, so hubby leaves wife in the car and tells her to keep low and don't unlock the car.

An hour later she hears this constant thud. Then another 20 mins pass when the police break into the car and lead the wife away, telling her not to turn around. She does, only to see her husband's head in the hands of an escaped lunatic.

Utter shite, that must have been fabled around Lanarkshire since the 70s!
 
Mondraker said:
This one had me in stitches just thinking about the fireman's expression as he finds the guy all suited up :D

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast — some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
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You missed the bit about the firefighting aircraft scooping water off the lake
 
Govan Rear Ranger said:
One for fellow AC/DC fans.

There is a recording somewhere of Bonn Scott singing Back in Black. I have a mate who swore for years he had it in the house. Eventually challenged him to let me hear it. Oh I must have imagined it was the response.
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There is a recording that is claimed to be Bon, but it's not, it's just some guy who sounds a bit like it. There is the off chance that some tape of him singing some snippets of songs exist, as he was involved in the early writing sessions, and played drums whilst the Youngs were working on some of the music. Rock and Roll ain't nois epollution was apparenlty a phras ehe came up with
 
Mr Bear said:
Car breaks down near Carstairs, so hubby leaves wife in the car and tells her to keep low and don't unlock the car.

An hour later she hears this constant thud. Then another 20 mins pass when the police break into the car and lead the wife away, telling her not to turn around. She does, only to see her husband's head in the hands of an escaped lunatic.

Utter shite, that must have been fabled around Lanarkshire since the 70s!
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Done the rounds late 70s into 80s in my area in Aberdeen. scared the crap out of me hearing it at about age 7.

All the Halloween films were coming out etc it was very plausible in those days.
 
Porto Loyal said:
There is a recording that is claimed to be Bon, but it's not, it's just some guy who sounds a bit like it. There is the off chance that some tape of him singing some snippets of songs exist, as he was involved in the early writing sessions, and played drums whilst the Youngs were working on some of the music. Rock and Roll ain't nois epollution was apparenlty a phras ehe came up with
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Agreed re what you say but the 'singing back in black' is total urban myth.

My mates a bit of a Walter Mitty:)
 
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